Change Of Heart

April 20 2022

The atmosphere at my Bachelorette party was perfect. All of us were drunk by the time we arrived at the club. Drunk enough to dance freely, but not so drunk that any of us were refused entry. It was perfect and, as I lost myself on the dance floor, I felt so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling. 
That was when I saw her. I was on the dance floor, running my fingers through my hair, when I made eye contact with her. She smiled, waving softly, as she moved towards me. It had been years since I had seen her last. There was a time when I shared a room with her, when we were both College students. Since then though, we had lost touch entirely. Lost touch until I ran into her that night, with a few too many drinks in my system and a cheap white veil in my hair. 
Once we reached each other, she put her arms around me for a hug that seemed to linger a little longer than I had been expecting it to. I put my face into her long wavy hair and breathed her smell. Just like that, all the memories and all the feelings came flooding back to me. When I was twenty years old, sharing a room with her, I think I loved her a little.
They were strange feelings to me, feelings that frightened me and feelings that I wanted to repress. I had wanted her though. I had looked at her body and longed to hold it. I had looked at her lips and longed to kiss them. Even though I had fought those feelings off years before, they came back in a huge wave that I felt helpless to stop. 
There I was, engaged to a man and face to face with all the doubts I had stopped myself from feeling. I looked into her eyes and, with that huge wave of emotion driving me forward, I leaned in to kiss her. To my surprise, she kissed me back. It was a deep kiss, our tongues moving together passionately. People around us were staring, enjoying the show. I didn’t care though, I was so lost in that moment with her that I felt as if no one else in the world even existed. 
“Want to try it all before the big day, do you?” She asked, smiling at me. 
The big day? My wedding. The wedding that was being thrown into question. The passion that I felt for the woman in front of me was ten times the passion I felt for the man I was supposed to be marrying. What did that mean? What was I supposed to do? I didn’t know. So, I just went along with the one thing in the world I did know.
“I have a hotel room,” I said, “do you want to go there with me?”
It was a bold move, but it felt like the only move to make. By some miracle, she said yes. Within minutes, we had left the club and were in a cab heading back to the hotel. All my guests were still in the club, probably worrying about me and wondering where I was. I didn’t care though. All I cared about was the taste of her and how good it would feel when I finally got to touch her nude body. 
When we were finally alone in that hotel room, I threw myself into her arms and started to remove her clothes. The passion I felt was like a huge wave that drove me forward and into that intense moment with her. Soon, she was entirely naked and I was too. We laid together on the bed, not saying a word and not needing to. I had never been with a woman before, but it felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. 
I kissed her breasts and sucked on her nipples, rolling my eyes with pleasure as I experienced her body. When I kissed her thighs and got to smell her sweet pussy, I almost died. Licking it, I found myself in another world of pleasure. The taste of her was intoxicating, and I let myself drift along on that drunkenness until she was shuddering and cumming on my tongue. 
I pushed my fingers inside of her and explored her body. Every inch of her was perfect. I think I tried to kiss and lick every part of her, indulging the most in that pussy. I licked at it and drank down her juices like they were honey. I didn’t want to take my mouth of her so she licked at me while I licked at her, moving our tongues with this kind of passion that felt like it would never end. We came and came, never really stopping to recover, until we were too exhausted to go on. Then, peacefully, we fell asleep in each other's arms. 
It wasn’t until the next morning that I felt that creeping sense of dread again. My whole world was being called into question. I couldn't ignore the fact that I was, in some way, queer. I didn't know myself, and that meant that there was no way I could get married. I wasn’t in the right place. How could I be sure about the man I was meant to marry when I had just had a night like that with another woman?
I had made up my mind. I couldn’t go through with it. I sent out text messages, letting everyone know that I was calling it off. My phone started to ring then, with everyone needing to know more. I knew that my family would be upset, that they might not even welcome me back when I told them exactly why I was calling off the wedding. Would they accept a queer daughter? I didn’t know. I knew that I couldn't keep lying to myself though, and that I wouldn’t lie to anyone else either. I had repressed that part of myself for too long, and I wouldn’t do it any more.